what to do
Today wasn't the greatest, i keep going back and forth about my art. part of me knows that what i draw isn’t exactly glorifying God, and sometimes that makes me feel ashamed. at the same time staying quiet for years made things worse, not better.
Drawing has always been the one way i could get things out without hurting myself or pretending everything was fine.
people tell me they relate to my art, and that matters to me more than i want to admit. but i’m torn, i have support now. from the people here, from the church, from the father, and from a few friends
I’m scared of what happens if i leave, when I'm back home
i’m scared i’ll fall back into habits i worked hard to step away from
i already know how my art is seen online. people take it out of context, misunderstand it, or turn it into something it was never meant to be. i tell myself i should just ignore that, but it’s harder than it sounds. sometimes i think i was never meant to be an online person at all. i didn’t plan on being seen like this, i just wanted to draw.
now everything is out there. old photos, things i shared when i didn’t know better, things that still hurt to think about. i know i chose to post them, and that’s on me, but i’m starting to accept that maybe i’m just too sensitive for social media. the father says that often and i don’t think he’s wrong
I still struggle a lot socially, especially in person. my autism makes conversations hard, even here, even with people who are kind and similar to me. i always feel like i’m copying others or acting instead of just being. it’s exhausting
I love drawing. i love what it does for me. it helps me process things i don’t know how to say out loud. i just don’t know if that’s what i’m supposed to keep doing, or if the question even matters anymore. i don’t know who i’m meant to be, and i don’t know how much of that needs to be visible to others
If anyone is reading this, please keep me in your Prayers.