Trying to understand things better
Today didn’t go the way I planned at first, I was fine for most of the morning just doing the usual things around but at some point I started feeling off again, I tried to ignore it but it didn’t really go away, so later I mentioned it to him when we crossed paths and we ended up talking for a while. I was nervous at first, because I always think I’m bothering people when I bring this stuff up but he didn’t make me feel like I was. he mostly listened, and then he told me something that made more sense the longer I thought about it: that sometimes when someone has lived too long around the wrong influences it leaves marks you don’t notice until later. old habits, old voices, old ways of thinking. all of it sticks to you more than you realize, especially when you’re spiritually weak.
he didn’t say that part as an insult but he explained it more like how the body works, how you don’t become strong overnight. you have to build it slowly, and if you don’t take care of it, you can’t expect it to hold you up when you need it. he said the same is true for the spirit. if it’s not strengthened, it leans toward whatever noise reaches it first, even if that noise is coming from people who were never good for you in the first place.
he talked about how being around misguided or unstable people can pull you into their shape without you noticing. that my old life wasn’t safe for me, not because anyone meant harm directly maybe, but because I kept learning from people who were lost themselves, and he said that when someone is spiritually weak, they get overwhelmed more easily and the things that aren’t good for them cling on even faster. sometimes it shows up as confusion, or sadness, or heaviness that follows you no matter what you do.
he said that being spiritually weak isn’t a failure. it’s just where I am right now, and it can change with time and effort. but he also said that when someone is weak like this, they’re more likely to be spiritually attacked or pulled off the right path without realizing it, which is why consistency matters, praying more, staying focused, talking things through instead of letting everything build up in my head. just small routines make a difference.
we agreed we’d talk more often, and that I’d try to be more open instead of shutting down the moment something feels wrong. and near the end of the conversation, he said he was proud of me for actually saying something today instead of pretending I was fine, it sounds silly writing it out but knowing someone is proud of me, even for something small like it made everything feel a bit more manageable. I guess it helps to know someone actually believes I can get stronger if I try.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10