"Thy Will be Done"
There is a great deal of foolishness in deciding how much suffering one ought to endure for God, especially when the person making that decision has very little understanding of what he is doing to his own body. Penance is a serious matter, mortification is a serious matter, and the body must be disciplined, but it is entirely possible to become so concerned with offering suffering that you neglect the ordinary obligation to exercise good judgment. i have been reminded of this rather thoroughly, and the reminder has become difficult to ignore
The pain in my neck, back and arm has become considerably worse, especially around what seems to be the C6 nerve and upper spine, and sleeping has become almost impossible on nights. i can spend hours turning from one side to the other, sitting up, lying down again, trying to find somewhere to put my arm that doesn't make everything worse, and eventually getting out of bed because remaining there is unbearable. By morning i have sometimes slept so little that concentrating on anything requires an enormous effort, and there are days when i cannot do the ordinary things expected of me without stopping because of the pain. there is very little dignity in being unable to sleep, and even less in discovering how quickly exhaustion can make somebody impatient with people who have done nothing wrong.
still, i cannot dismiss what has happened as something without spiritual significance, because the consequences of our actions are among the things through which we may be corrected. Scripture speaks repeatedly about discipline, endurance and the necessity of accepting correction, and it would be dishonest to speak confidently about these things when they concern other people while refusing to consider them when they concern myself. i asked to become less governed by comfort, and now ordinary comfort has become difficult to obtain, although i would be very foolish to claim that this means God personally arranged the injury as an answer to my prayers. His providence extends over everything, but that does not mean every consequence of human foolishness should be treated as a direct instruction from Heaven.
It is one thing to decide upon a sacrifice, knowing exactly what is being surrendered, and another to receive an affliction which interrupts your plans, takes away your strength and remains after you have begged God for relief. We are very willing to offer Him what we have already decided we can live without, and considerably less willing when He permits us to lose something we had every intention of keeping. we speak of surrendering ourselves to His will, then become indignant when His providence does not consult our preferences. Christ Himself prayed in Gethsemane, "Father, if thou wilt, remove this chalice from me: but yet not my will, but thine be done." Luke 22:42. He did not teach us that suffering must be pleasant, nor that asking for relief is a failure of faith. He taught us to submit even our most desperate petitions to the will of the Father, and there is a great deal of obedience contained in those few words. It is easy to say Thy will be done when the answer is what we hoped for, and much harder when another night passes without sleep, when healing takes longer than expected, or when the body refuses to return to what it was before.
Perhaps the penance God permits us to carry is often the one we would never have selected for ourselves. illness, weakness, disappointment, dependence upon other people, the loss of abilities we took for granted, the humiliation of needing assistance, all these things can become occasions for patience and surrender when they are received without rebellion against Him. We have no authority to declare that every affliction was specially sent as punishment, and it would be foolish to mistake every misfortune for a message from Heaven, but nothing that God permits is beyond His power to bring some good from it. The Christian is therefore obliged to consider what may be learned through suffering, even when he has done nothing to deserve it, and especially when his own actions have contributed to it
I think that is where the actual penance begins for me now. i cannot simply decide that i have endured enough, put everything away and return to the condition i was in before, it is much easier to choose a penance when we know our body can bear it, when we can decide how much suffering is enough and stop before our strength gives out, but when suffering exceeds what we can endure by our own will, when the body is weakened and even ordinary rest becomes difficult, perhaps the greater penance is to accept what God permits us to carry, to seek relief without shame and to remain faithful through what cannot immediately be taken away. Christ suffered upon the Cross for our salvation, and though our suffering can never equal His sacrifice, we are still called to take up our own crosses and follow Him, including those we would never have chosen for ourselves.
I asked God to teach me surrender, and perhaps i was too occupied with deciding what that surrender ought to look like, there is little obedience in offering Him only the sacrifices we find agreeable, then protesting when the burdens already upon us prove less convenient.