There are no separate Souls
There is one soul, and that makes things easier when my head is difficult because God doesn't need me to understand everything correctly before He understands me. There are things i can separate easily and things i can't, memories that don't always feel equally close, opinions that can contradict each other and days where something feels completely obvious to me until it suddenly doesn't. i used to spend much more time trying to sort all of that out, but there isn't always much point. God already knows what belongs where, including the things i don't understand properly myself, and none of it changes the fact that there is one life being lived and one soul that belongs to Him.
Faith helps because so much of it exists outside whatever is happening in my head. Mass is still Mass regardless of whether i feel particularly connected to it that morning, the prayers don't change, confession doesn't change, and something doesn't stop being sinful because i can find a part of myself that disagrees. He disagrees with plenty of things, sometimes very strongly, but i've stopped treating disagreement as something that has to be solved before i can continue with my day. i can pray anyway, go to Mass anyway, listen to the Father anyway, and usually everything becomes quieter once i stop giving every objection the attention it wants.
The physical part of religion has become important to me too because the body can learn things without requiring every thought to cooperate first. You kneel, stand, make the sign of the cross, fast when you're supposed to fast, go to confession and receive Communion, and after enough repetition those things become ordinary. Acknowledging that something exists doesn't mean it should be obeyed, protected or allowed to remain exactly as it is, there are things he says that i would never say and things he wants that i don't want, but all of it is still happening somewhere God can see. Nothing gets to become private from him simply because i can put another name on it
God asks for the whole person anyway, You don't give God whichever parts of yourself already happen to agree with Him and keep the rest untouched because they're complicated. Repentance would be very convenient if it only applied to the sins you already wanted to stop committing, and obedience would be meaningless if it only happened when every part of you agreed
I still don't know what the cross is supposed to be here. Maybe it is having him at all, maybe it is never being completely certain where the line between us is, or maybe the cross is accepting that there might never be an answer that makes any of this feel normal. Sometimes i ask God why there had to be two, i know that isn't technically the right way to say it, but it's the only way the question comes out. There are days when i want to ask why one wasn't enough, why couldn't i have been given one set of memories, one way of looking at myself and been allowed to get on with it like everybody else. Sometimes i pray that God will make me one again, then i wonder what exactly i'm asking Him to remove. There are things about him i know as easily as i know things about people i've actually met, which becomes strange, his name isn't mine, his age isn't mine, i know his face although there has never been a photograph of it and never could be.
I would like to know what normal is supposed to feel like, i wonder if God sees two faces when He looks at me or whether He only sees mine.
From last sermon : "And he said to all: If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life, shall lose it; for he that shall lose his life for my sake, shall save it. For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself, and cast away himself?" Luke 9:23–25.