Suicide and Sin
The Church’s teaching on suicide is more precise than people make it sound. it’s considered a grave matter because life is given by God and isn’t something neutral to take. but it also says that for a sin to fully separate a person from God there has to be full knowledge and full consent, and in cases like this those are often not fully present. severe distress, mental illness, fear, pressure, confusion, all of that can limit how freely a person is acting. so the Church does not say that people who die like that are automatically condemned. it says we do not know their responsibility, and we entrust them to God’s mercy, because He sees more than just the act itself
that part makes sense when i look at it like that, but it also leaves something open that i don’t know how to place
because if responsibility can be reduced, then what does it mean to be fully there when something happens, how much of a person has to be present for something to count completely, and how much can be missing before it changes what it is
i don’t think i’ve ever really felt like i belong here properly. not in the way other people seem to. it always felt a little off, like i’m placed somewhere but not settled in it. and there’s this quiet pull in the opposite direction, like wanting to be somewhere else, home, without knowing what home actually looks like, just knowing it would feel more correct than this
because if life is something given, then it has to be lived properly, not stepped out of. that part is clear enough
but the feeling itself doesn’t just stop because i know that
so i don’t know if it’s something to correct, or something to carry, or something that will change later if i do things the right way
i know heaven isn’t supposed to have any of this, no sickness, no confusion, nothing that feels split or wrong, no sense that something else is sitting inside my head or attached to me, and i keep thinking that there everything will finally be one and quiet and the way it should have been from the start, and i won’t feel separate from myself anymore, i’ll just be like everyone else, properly equal, not trying to fix or correct anything, and i’ll see the people who are gone again, and i’ll be where i’m supposed to be instead of feeling placed here without fitting into it properly
There has to be a place where everything is set back into the order it was meant to have from the beginning, where nothing misplaced can remain and nothing foreign is allowed to follow, where everything that has been divided is made whole again in Death, and whatever has been out of place my entire life is finally gathered and put where it belongs, completely all at once, and there is no confusion, no misalignment, no need to correct or explain anything anymore, and i will finally be as i was meant to be instead of something that has to keep adjusting itself just to stay together.
“My kingdom is not of this World.” (John 18:36)