Routine
Today reminded me how much I have always liked having a routine. the problem was that routines never lasted for me. they felt good at first, but then everything would pile up at once and I would get overwhelmed and shut down before I even knew where to start. it felt like trying to hold water in my hands. nothing stayed in place long enough to feel steady, but lately someone has been giving me clearer steps. do this, do that, start here. and even when the tone is harsh, it does not feel cruel, it feels like someone finally understands how my brain works, how easily I spiral when there are too many choices.
I don't feel like I am being babied, or being talked to as if I was stupid, like I can follow through with something without falling apart halfway. being told what needs to be done, and then realizing I can actually do it.
sometimes it even feels good to be useful. to know that when someone says do this, I can do it and they trust that I will. I do not feel like I am just standing around and taking up space. I feel like I belong in the rhythm of things.
my sleep has been better too, mostly because I end each day exhausted. there’s a kind of order here that I’m starting to appreciate. everyone has their task, their place in the day, and somehow that makes everything feel easier. I’m not drifting around like before. I can see where I’m supposed to stand, what I’m supposed to do, and it feels reassuring.