For you
I don't think I have properly thanked you for what you have done for me, and there are certain things i still wish I had said. thank you for listening to me, for taking my questions seriously, and for giving me an understanding of my circumstances which I don't think i could have received from somebody who already knew me. you had no reason to think particularly well of me, and you knew very little about my past in the beginning, yet you treated me with a kindness I had almost forgotten how to accept. I am especially grateful for the time you gave me, for allowing me to take part in things which are so ordinary to you but meant a great deal to me, for the prayers, the conversations, and the hours spent reading the Psalms and Scripture together. there are certain passages i don't think I will ever read quite the same way again, because I will remember what was said about them, and how much easier certain things became to understand when somebody was willing to explain them patiently. i have continued thinking about some of the questions I asked, and occasionally I find myself remembering an answer in the middle of something entirely unrelated. perhaps you would find it strange that i remember such small things, but I have spent a long time trying to understand matters which seemed perfectly obvious to everybody else, and it was a great relief to be able to ask without feeling foolish. I think i learned as much from the way you lived as I did from anything you told me, and it was a relief to be around people for whom prayer was simply part of life rather than something that needed to be explained or defended. there was something reassuring about the seriousness with which even ordinary things were approached, and about the fact that nobody seemed particularly interested in impressing anybody. I have been accustomed to people making a great deal of themselves, including myself, and i think I had forgotten how pleasant it is to be around people who are genuinely concerned with something greater than their own reputation. thank you for not making my appearance or my body into something strange, for speaking to me as though there was nothing particularly difficult about looking at me, and for reminding me that God has a purpose for every life, even one which has been spent making mistakes, even one belonging to somebody who struggles to love herself. I think you understood something about me which i have struggled to explain to people who have known me for years, and perhaps that is because you were willing to hear what I was actually saying instead of trying to fit it into an opinion you already held. there are things about myself which I find very difficult to accept, and i know that I cannot expect other people to resolve those feelings for me, but being treated with ordinary dignity made me realize how accustomed I had become to expecting something else. and thank you for accepting me as your spiritual sister, as your sister in Christ, i don't think you understand how much that means to somebody who has spent so long looking for a family. there was something very comforting about being included without having to ask, about being remembered in prayer, and about knowing that nobody expected me to become somebody entirely different before I could belong. I have often been made to feel that acceptance was something which could be withdrawn at any moment, depending on whether i said the right thing or behaved in a way somebody approved of, and it has made me terribly anxious about even the smallest interactions. I know I can be difficult, and i know that my circumstances are not always easy to understand, but I appreciated that I was allowed to be sincere without having to explain every little thing about myself. i have been thinking about the things we discussed, particularly how little good comes from continually returning to people who have already decided what you are and have no intention of allowing that judgment to change. there is no good in remaining where people continually drag one another back toward their worst moments, and I know i have been guilty of doing that to others as well. I don't want to continue it, either by refusing to recognize somebody else's repentance or by allowing myself to be defined forever by people who refuse to recognize mine. i cannot ask God to forgive me while behaving as though another person's mistakes are the only things worth remembering about them. there are people I have hurt, and I have people who have hurt me, and i am beginning to understand that I do not need to spend the rest of my life arguing with them in order to take responsibility for what we have done. some things will remain unresolved, and perhaps that is something i must learn to accept. I spent years searching for something resembling a family among people I knew only through a screen, and i think I had forgotten what it felt like to be welcomed without first having to prove that I deserved to be there. I became so accustomed to defending myself, explaining myself, apologizing for things which had already been discussed a hundred times, and waiting for somebody to bring up something from years ago, that i began to think this was simply how relationships worked. I don't want to live that way anymore, and I certainly don't want to make anybody else feel the way i have felt. there are better things to concern ourselves with, and I think I have wasted enough time on arguments which have done nothing to improve my character or bring me closer to God. i have also been thinking about how much peace there is in a life which has a proper order to it, where prayer is not something fitted into whatever time remains, and where even the smallest duties are undertaken with God in mind. I think I have spent far too much time making my life unnecessarily complicated, seeking approval from people who could never give me what i was looking for, and neglecting the things which might actually have brought me closer to Him. the Psalms have become particularly dear to me, and there are certain words I now find myself returning to with a much better understanding of what they mean. i am grateful for the patience with which they were read and discussed, and for being reminded that faith requires more than simply knowing what Scripture says. I have always been capable of speaking very firmly about what is right and wrong, but i am beginning to see how much more difficult it is to apply those same judgments to my own conduct, especially when pride or resentment is involved. I have a great deal to correct in myself, and I would rather spend my time doing that than continue trying to persuade people to think well of me. even my art seems different to me now, because i have cared far too much about whether people liked what I made, when I could have been making something worth offering to God instead. i have spent years putting so much effort into things which were only ever meant to earn somebody's attention, and I am ashamed of how easily I allowed that desire to determine what i created. if my art cannot honor the Lord, then I would rather keep it, there are still things I cannot undo and people whose forgiveness i may never receive, and I know I will answer to God for all of it, but i no longer believe that the rest of my life must be spent trying to earn their approval by people who hate your core. I think one of the most important things you helped me understand is that I am still responsible for what i do with the life I have been given, regardless of how little I may think of myself. i cannot change the circumstances of my birth, the way my body looks, or everything which has happened to me, and there are certain difficulties which may remain with me for the rest of my life, but I can still choose to serve God. I can still pray, learn, repent, create things which honor Him, and try to become somebody whose actions demonstrate the love he or she professes to have for Him. i have been so occupied with what is wrong with me that I sometimes forget how much remains possible, and I am grateful that you took the time to remind me. i am also grateful for knowing that I am always welcome, because that is something I have wanted for a very long time, although i don't think I ever expected to hear it said so sincerely. it makes me happy to know that there is somewhere I belong, and that i have people I can turn to when I am uncertain, especially concerning matters of faith which i have spent so long trying to understand by myself. I have often been afraid of misunderstanding things, of drawing the wrong conclusions from what I read, or of convincing myself that i was doing what God wanted when I had very little understanding of what was actually required of me. there is so much I still don't know, and i am grateful that you have been willing to teach me, to correct me when necessary, and to help me learn how to put these things into practice, both now and in the years ahead. I have a great deal of respect for the knowledge you have acquired and for the years you have devoted to understanding and living according to the faith, and i would consider it a blessing to continue learning from you. I want to take those teachings seriously, to remember them in my decisions and in the way I conduct myself, and to dedicate my life to following what is right before God. i hope that one day I will be able to look back and see that I have actually lived according to what i was taught, rather than merely having listened and agreed. I know that this will require discipline, humility, and a willingness to accept correction, including when it concerns things I would rather avoid admitting about myself. there is something very reassuring about knowing that i can ask for guidance from people who have devoted so much of their lives to these matters and that I do not have to rely entirely upon my own limited understanding. i think perhaps the greatest kindness you have shown me is helping me understand that this is not the end of anything, that I still have a future in which I can do something good, and that i do not have to find my way toward it entirely alone. thank you for helping me understand that nothing has to be wasted, and that even if I cannot always love myself, I can still love God through what i choose to do with the life He has given me. thank you for receiving me as a sister, for praying with me, for allowing me to learn from you, and for reminding me that my life is not without purpose.
THANKS BE TO GOD AND HIS GLORY AND HIS KINDNESS AND HIS WISDOM FOREVER. THANK YOU BROTHERS, AND ALSO SISTERS. DEO GRATIAS.