cutting ties
i keep thinking about the people i used to talk to. i thought some of them were my friends, or at least close enough that i could trust them with the parts of me that felt too heavy to carry alone ? but looking back, i do not even know if they ever liked me. i am not sure i ever knew how to tell the difference.
i do not think i am a great person, and i do not pretend to be. i am not horrible either. i am just someone who feels things too strongly and says things in ways that never match what is actually inside my head i think, and somehow every time i tried to be honest, it became a weapon. every vulnerable thought was a screenshot waiting to be used. every message i sent could be twisted, ripped out of context, turned into something i did not mean.
i hate that about being online. you cannot just say i feel bad today because of this and have someone talk to you like a real person. everything becomes fuel, evidence, gossip. i wish i could explain myself without feeling like i am digging my own grave. i wish i could communicate the way it sounds in my mind instead of the scrambled version that always comes out.
maybe i misunderstand people too, maybe that is part of the problem. i do not know ? but i wish i had the chance to speak without seeing my words fly around in a hundred screenshots, stripped of everything that made them human.
and the worst part is the confusion. when i tell the truth, it gets used against me. when i lie to protect myself, that is wrong too. it feels like there is no right answer and no safe thing to say. just endless guessing.
he keeps telling me the truth is always the best path of course, he also told me that some of the people i trusted were not good for me. that their influence pulled me in the wrong direction. at first i did not want to believe him and i thought he was being harsh. i wanted to think they were my friends and that they cared.
but they did not, they dropped me the moment i said something they did not like. they flipped so quickly it made my stomach hurt and he was right about that too. he told me this would happen. that people like that are never steady, never safe, never worth leaning on, in a way i wish he wasn't right.
i want to connect with people. i want to talk normally. i want to feel understood. but i struggle so much in real life, and i thought the online world would make it easier. instead it made everything worse. everything louder. everything sharper.
maybe cutting ties is not losing anything. maybe it is just finally seeing what was always there, i need to focus more and be better.