Challenges
The teaching is clear that trials are not random but permitted, and that they are not given without limit, "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape" (1 Corinthians 10:13), which means there is always a boundary even if it doesn’t feel visible from inside it, and that part is meant to be certain, not something that shifts depending on how it feels.
it also says that testing reveals what is already there, "the testing of your faith produces endurance" (James 1:3), so it isn’t creating something new as much as it is bringing something forward, measuring it in a way that only becomes clear when it is difficult, not when it is easy
and that should be enough to understand the structure of it, that it is permitted, that it has a limit, and that it serves a purpose in revealing and strengthening something that would not be visible otherwise
but it doesn’t feel like that when it is actually happening, sometimes it feels more like being left alone with it, not completely without God, but without anything that makes it easier to carry, like the part that would normally balance it isn’t there in the same way, and i don’t know if that is also part of it, if being alone in it is something that is allowed on purpose or if i am just not handling it correctly
because there are times where it feels like i should be able to carry it better than i do, and i can’t tell if that means i am failing in it or if it is meant to feel like that to begin with
'my grace is sufficient for you" (2 Corinthians 12:9) is supposed to answer that, that it is enough even if it doesn’t feel like it is, but i don’t always know how to recognize that in the moment, because it doesn’t remove the difficulty, it just remains with it
and i keep thinking about whether the difficulty itself includes that feeling of being alone, not completely, but enough that i have to choose what to do without something immediate correcting it for me, and whether that is also part of what is being tested
i don’t know if i am meant to be able to handle it in a way that feels stable
or if continuing in it at all is what matters
i just know that it doesn’t always feel like something i can carry easily, even if i am supposed to be able to, it's difficult sometimes.