about me?
I guess i should explain a little about what is even happening. my name does not matter here. it never feels like it fits anyway. i am in my twenties, i am female, and currently i am not home. things there stopped feeling safe. it feels like i am made of different pieces that do not always agree with each other. different versions of me depending on who is looking. different realities that overlap in ways i cannot sort out. some things are true, some things feel true, and some things are not true at all.
i have struggled a lot with hurting myself and with hating what i see in the mirror. i have carried so much disgust toward my own body and the way i was made. i know i should not feel ungrateful. i know i should not talk about myself like that. but it is there, and pretending it is not does not make it any softer.
i hope this place, whatever it becomes, will be a kind of healing. or at least a place where the thoughts do not pile up as fast. i hope i can learn to look at myself without flinching. i hope some part of this will help me understand why everything inside me feels so split.
it feels strange being alone again. i keep telling myself i am not really alone, but the silence hits differently when i am not online i think. i saw everything people posted about me, and it sent me into a spiral. i cried until my whole face felt hot. i could not stop thinking about how they must see me.
fortunately he talked to me after, it was not warm, but it grounded me and i am used to that kind of tone from him by now, and honestly it helps. sometimes a harsher voice makes things clearer. maybe it is what i needed, something to keep me from falling apart over every reaction. i want to be less sensitive. i want to stop feeling like every emotion takes over my entire body.
but what bothers me most is how different everything feels online compared to real life. people assume they know who i am from screenshots and guesses and whatever narrative they want to build. none of it has context. none of it feels real. in person, people see something else entirely, and even though that version feels truer, i hate how the online stuff still leaks into it.
he has access to my phone, just not this blog or anything else browser related, but else he has seen everything too, but that does not worry me. i have nothing to hide from him, and it almost feels safer knowing he already knows. maybe being here will help me learn how to hold myself together better. maybe having guidance will help me stop collapsing at every small thing.
i hate how online i get, how glued my brain gets to every detail. i hate that i cannot just switch it off. i hate having autism sometimes, i wish i did not feel everything so sharply. i wish i did not try so hard to make everyone understand me when most people do not want to. people keep telling me that, but it never feels real in my head.
i just want to be better. i want to be different. i want to become something new. we'll see.